unrealistic expectations

so the truth is that telling yourself that you are going to stay “out of the past” completely — it’s crap, it’s unrealistic, and it doesnt work.

im currently torturing myself over the fact that i apparantly *never* tried very hard to find c. after i got my inheritance, and why not? for the life of me i cant remember any particular reason. other than m, and i know where that got me. im torturing myself because my life, her life, and quite possibly, her son’s would be a lot different. im seeing Hawaii, or someplace equally as warm and tropic.

even more unrealistic.. expecting that you can stay completely out of the past, while trying to establish some type of ‘something’ with someone that came from your past. that doesnt work either.

needless to say, im struggling, and I cant talk about this anywhere else.

on the one hand, if i didnt have any connection i would be devastated (i think)..

on the other hand, i wouldnt be left wondering if I am just a convenient escape to her boredom, and feeling like im chasing somone and something thats not ever going to be attainable or sustainable. not to mention the constant memories im bombarded with.



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